On the Subject of Friendship

[This post is for the 4th Carnival of Aces.]

I’m asexual. From the first moment I read a description of asexuality, I was certain of my asexual identity. However, I have no freaking idea what my romantic orientation is. This used to bother me somewhat, but now it doesn’t. I don’t feel the need to have that aspect of my identity set in stone. I know for certain that I have no interest in romantic relationships, and that’s enough to function with.

But just because I don’t want romance in my life, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want any kind of relationship. I don’t want romance, no. But I do want friendship.

I’ve always wanted friendship, even before I fully realized how much I wanted it. I want close friends, friends who seem to hover in the space between friend and family. I want friends who value our friendship as much as I do, and who will happily put just as much work into our friendship as I will. I want friends who won’t drop me in favor of another relationship, romantic or otherwise, but will strive to maintain our friendship because it is important and meaningful to both of us. I want friends who will share their thoughts and opinions and interests with me, and who will be willing to share my thoughts, opinions, and interests as well. I want to value someone as an integral part of my life, and have them value me in return.

Is this a queer-platonic relationship? I’m not entirely sure. I imagine it could be, and I would be okay with that. It doesn’t matter to me so much that I have a specific name for the relationship. I believe that a relationship is whatever the people involved decide to call it; no one can decide what a relationship is except for the people who are directly involved. Right now, I have at least one friendship that could probably be called queer-platonic, except that we don’t. Maybe we might in the future. The name of the relationship is not as important to me as the relationship itself. Also, many of my friends don’t have the same kind of vocabulary I do.

But truly, I don’t think that any of my friendships have quite reached the level I want them to reach. I have a ton of acquaintances, a lot of friends, and a handful of best friends. Even with my best friends, though, I feel like I’m missing the kind of trust and interdependence I long for.

The closest I’ve gotten, I think, is my relationship with one of my younger sisters. We talk about everything. We share our joys and worries and frustrations and dreams with each other. We watch movies together, listen to music together, sometimes even exchange books or fanfiction recommendations. We have serious conversations about life, in person and by text message. We spend time together in the same room, not talking, just doing our own things and enjoying each other’s company. We randomly hug each other or say ‘I love you,’ for no other reason than because we can. My little sister is probably the one person I feel the closest to right now. I think it helps that I can count on her to be around, since we currently still live in the same house.

Still, I want to be able to count on my friends in such a way. I want to have relationships like the kind I have with my sister, but with people who aren’t related to me by blood – and without being romantic. People put so much weight on romantic relationships, trying to make their romantic partner meet all of their needs in life. Frequently I wish I could take a bit of the intensity and attach it to friendships instead. I’m not asking for one friendship that will replace a romantic relationship; I don’t want to become so dependent on one person. No, instead I’m desperately hoping there are other people out there who feel as I do, who want friendships that mean something. Friendships that will last.

The problem is that I have no idea how to articulate this need. I don’t know how to explain to my closest friends that, maybe, I wouldn’t mind if our friendships were a little bit closer. Part of me fears that, if they’ve never felt that longing for friendship like I have, they’ll relate to it in more familiar terms and end up correlating it with romantic attraction (which it definitely isn’t). Part of me worries that they simply might not be interested in being closer than we already are. I’m terrified that I could lose a friend by attempting to create a deeper bond. And I’ve never handled the loss of a friend – particularly a close friend – very well.

It's probably worth mentioning that I’ve always been rather a solitary person. I like solitude, and I find intense joy in time spent with only myself and my thoughts. But still, I have this need for people – people with whom I can non-romantically share my life. And I’m not sure how to find them.